When Paul Varjak got out of the cab in this iconic movie, his action represented more than just his grief. He had repeatedly been "kicked in the balls" by Holly for so long, that he had finally hit his breaking point. Utterly afraid of being hurt, she had pushed everyone out of her life and had yet to notice that she single-handedly built the emotional cage in which she had also placed herself in. It wasn't her relationships with men that got her there, it was her relationship with herself.
As many do, I identify with the charming, fancy-free attitude of Holly Golightly, who subtly showcases her depths when she is unaware and free from fear of rejection. What I hadn't realized until recently is that I am even more like her - in which I also had single-handedly built the cage in which I lived. And my self-assured, charismatic, selfless and courageous partner, got out of the cab. Not for himself, but because I had become a detriment to myself and he could no longer stand by and witness the wreck. Of course I ran after, looking for "the Cat". But what I eventually realized in the subsequent downpour of heartbreaking sadness, self loathing and depression was that I was really looking for myself. I had become my own worst enemy and even my Paul Varjak could not save me.
So consumed by fear, I have been afraid to live life to its fullest. Never engaging, or caring enough to dig roots and show my deeper webbing - I've allowed my friendships and relationships to implode. My partner was one of the few individuals that I had let over my walls and yet still, through no fault of his own, I was petrified and reluctant to jump all-in to our relationship - even after nearly 5 years.
But, we get what we give. And it has taken my entire life to truly accept that I am never going to receive what I am not contributing. By accepting my failures, and offering vulnerability, I aim to slowly conquer the shame that this behavior evokes. I have hurt many people over the years through my negligence and lack of ownership. And as mentioned, no individual more so than myself.
In my previous post, I discuss "The Fire" - and that through it, what was lost can be found in its ashes. However, I think it's important to acknowledge who started the fire - because, in all honesty, I'm the best arsonist I know. Luckily when my partner left the cab, I was forced to enter the rain - suffocated by my cage and confronted with the knowledge that I have been blessed to be loved and be shown how to love, by an amazing human who was there for me when I was unable to show up for myself. Though the downpour has put out the flames, I think what is most resonating about the end of the film - and life - is the magic that comes with freeing oneself from fear. With chains off and doors flung wide, I am living forward and letting go of what was. It's not easy and each day presents its own challenges. But that's what makes life worth the ride, right?